# Lounge > General >  Poop emergency

## Gripenfelter

This one happened to me in the summer of 2013. Copy and pasted from a thread I made on another board. SSenvy is my female boss and close friend...

Dunno what I ate Saturday night but it didn't sit well with me. So Sunday around 11 am I'm driving around singling along to Black Eyed Peas "I wanna scream and shout and let it all out" and when they get to the line "Britney bitch" my stomach makes this unhappy noise like a bucket of water just got dumped into my piping below. Hmmm. I feel this point of pressure on my left side just above my pelvis. I push on it and it makes a "foom" sound. 

At this point I'm thinking "cool I'm a musical instrument...wait...do I have to poo? Yes...I think I do...no I definitely do...right now...where is the closest washroom??" I start to panic so I call Miss Know-it-All to see if she knows where the closest toilet would be to where I am. SSenvy laughs at first and then asks probing questions to ascertain the level of the emergency "Are you growing a tail?"

It's Sunday and most places are closed except for the Toys R Us I'm driving past. I pull into the lot and do a "I-have-a-$100,000-sports-car-don't-park-next-to-me" parking job with my very filthy Nissan Xterra. I run into the store with SSenvy still on the phone. Dunno why I kept her on the phone...maybe for legal reasons for what was about to follow. Needed a witness.

So I pass the customer service desk and I don't ask them where their washroom is because I want to avoid all of the "Washrooms are for customers only" BS. I run to the back of the store and can't find the washroom. I see a door that has a pic of a family on it and right next to it is a door with a sticker of a guy barbecuing with two little kids beside him. Obviously the latter door is for cannibals. I find a young female employee chewing gum and looking bored...

Me: Excuse me...
Ditz: Hi welc...
Me: Yeah hi, where is your washroom?
Ditz: Well the family washroom...*pause 3 secs* is over...*pause for what felt like 20 mins* there...
Me: Do you see a kid with me?
Ditz: Yeah I guess not...
Me: K so that is your only washroom?
Ditz: No...*pause for 3 secs* the mens is over...past...the clothes in Babies R Us...
Me: Thanks...*start running*

As I start running into Babies R Us I realize I probably should have listened to all of her directions. I can't find the fricking washroom. At this point my intestines feel like a water slide for whatever gruel I ate last night. 

I look at the baby clothes and remember when I was a little kid and how I used to hide in the revolving clothing racks. I'm standing next to a rack with onesies (one piece sleepers) with stuffed animals attached to them. Hmm...if I crouched in the middle under one of the revolving clothing racks I could use one of the stuffed animals to wipe when I'm done... 

Just then SSenvy finishes laughing and tells me to walk along the wall and I should be able to find a blue door there. She's right. HALLELUJAH!! I'VE BEEN SAVED!! I storm into the mens washroom and pass a 10 yr old kid washing up..."you should probably leave now..." I mutter as I walk past him. Just then SSenvy asks "am I in the men's washroom with you? HAHAHAHA!!" I realize I probably don't require her legal services at this point so I hang up on her. Later it occurs to me that I should call and check on her because it sounded like she was hyperventilating.

So I sit down on the porcelain throne and KABOOM! It was a scene from dumb and dumber. After about 5 mins I feel confident that everything is out so I wipe, flush and stand up...my stomach makes another swooshing noise so I sit back down. I flush half way through and then again when I'm done.

Just as I'm finishing I realize there is a father with his kid in the next stall. As I exit my stall he gives me a look like "what blasphemous thing did you just do in there??" I wash up with him watching me the whole time lol.

I quickly exit Toys R Us and head home. Later that night while watching 'The Last Stand Off' my stomach starts sending me shockwaves again. We have no Imodium or Pepto Bismol at home...CrAp. My wife keeps handing me TUMS while she's laughing at how bad the movie is and how bad my predicament is. SSenvy suggested this morning that I should have tried them as a suppository.

I'm blessed to have such helpful women in my life.  :Bang Head:  <---constipated face is not amused.

Anyways...back to the drugs.

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## JustinMCS

WHY did you have to share this?

And WHY did I just read all of it?

 :crazy nut:

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## GOnSHO

> _Originally posted by JustinMCS_ 
> *WHY did you have to share this?
> 
> And WHY did I just read all of it?
> 
> *



I thought the same thing when I was finished.. 

then realized hes on morphine was the 1st answer and because it was funny for the 2nd answer! HAHA

 :ROFL!:

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## FraserB

> _Originally posted by Gripenfelter_ 
> *This one happened to me in the summer of 2013. Copy and pasted from a thread I made on another board. SSenvy is my female boss and close friend...
> 
> Dunno what I ate Saturday night but it didn't sit well with me. So Sunday around 11 am I'm driving around singling along to Black Eyed Peas &quot;I wanna scream and shout and let it all out&quot; and when they get to the line &quot;Britney bitch&quot; my stomach makes this unhappy noise like a bucket of water just got dumped into my piping below. Hmmm. I feel this point of pressure on my left side just above my pelvis. I push on it and it makes a &quot;foom&quot; sound. 
> 
> At this point I'm thinking &quot;cool I'm a musical instrument...wait...do I have to poo? Yes...I think I do...no I definitely do...right now...where is the closest washroom??&quot; I start to panic so I call Miss Know-it-All to see if she knows where the closest toilet would be to where I am. SSenvy laughs at first and then asks probing questions to ascertain the level of the emergency &quot;Are you growing a tail?&quot;
> 
> It's Sunday and most places are closed except for the Toys R Us I'm driving past. I pull into the lot and do a &quot;I-have-a-$100,000-sports-car-don't-park-next-to-me&quot; parking job with my very filthy Nissan Xterra. I run into the store with SSenvy still on the phone. Dunno why I kept her on the phone...maybe for legal reasons for what was about to follow. Needed a witness.
> 
> ...



Just so you don't delete when you sober up.

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## The_Penguin

While not funny at the time, emergency poop stories can be quite amusing if narrated well.

This one did not disappoint.

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## NoPulp

> _Originally posted by JustinMCS_ 
> *WHY did you have to share this?
> 
> And WHY did I just read all of it?
> 
> *



This x100

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## whydontchathen

I only read a few lines of your op, but *why do you think anyone would want to hear* about your bathroom problems ffs? 

D'ya want to hear about mine?

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## sr20s14zenki



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## se7en

Poop stories  :Smilie:  good stuff.

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## TomcoPDR

Can't believe I'm sharing my secrets with Beyond. But as a loyal member, guess I haven't contributed much lately.

For Calgary being a driving city, I find hotels being the best spots for all your pooping needs. They're usually open 7 days, most of them 24 hours. Most lobbies would have bathrooms without needing keys. Just pull up front VIP parking, act like you belong, unload, leave. There was a case where I had to improvise, it was a quiet night, and the front desk overlooks the main entrance. 2 counter reps were staring as I walked in... so I just kinda said: "Hey, I got this reservation........ *1 minute pause pretending finding res # on the phone* then I be like ohhhh hold on is there a bathroom I can use first?"........ (so either you can sneak out the back after), but for me, I just played it cool and told them I got the wrong hotel, then left.

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## Gripenfelter

Just doing my part to lower the bar.  :Big Grin:

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## ExtraSlow

Do you hvae extras of the drugs you are on this week, because I would like to be as awesome as you currently are.

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## bspot

I had the exact same thing happen at the Crowsnest Pass visitor's centre. I felt awful for the guy waiting to use the stall after me, but it's all part of the game.

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## mr2mike

My theory is 
@Gripenfelter
 is 
@Toilet_X
 now. Went full transformation after this thread.

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## eglove

best bump

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## ExtraSlow

Excellent bump. Worthwhile thread. Approved

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## ZenOps

Best story I've heard all month.

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## The_Penguin

Great bump. I was going to compliment the comment that said, "A good emergency poop story well-narrated is a great thing", then realized it was me.  :Smilie:

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## ExtraSlow

> Great bump. I was going to compliment the comment that said, "A good emergency poop story well-narrated is a great thing", then realized it was me.



Love thyself.

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## mr2mike

> Love thyself.



Start a new public bathroom thread for that though.

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## ExtraSlow



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## Gripenfelter

> My theory is 
> @Gripenfelter
>  is 
> @Toilet_X
>  now. Went full transformation after this thread.



Who is Toilet_X?

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## killramos

That’s exactly what he would say

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## JRSC00LUDE

> Who is Toilet_X?



The plot moistens!

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## mr2mike

> Who is Toilet_X?



I'll play the 'you actually don't know' game and you can look at the replies over time.

https://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?searchid=3820847

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## suntan

What a crappy thread.

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## nismodrifter

Hope you are doing well Grip!

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## suntan

Back when Nenshi looked better.

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## Toilet_X

I assure you all that we are two very different sexy people!

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## ExtraSlow

I want pics of you two together. Naked, so I know there's no funny business.

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## TomcoPDR

> I want pics of you two together. Naked, so I know there's no funny business.



This gonna be that 2 girls 1 cup thing again?

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## killramos

> I assure you all that we are two very different sexy people!



Will need pics to confirm.

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## ExtraSlow

I like your Christmas light.

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## Buster

Someone do a welfare check on ES

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## Disoblige

What happened to value posts?

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## ExtraSlow

> Someone do a welfare check on ES



Checked.

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## TomcoPDR

> Checked.

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